Berkeley, California

I woke up today bright and early to say goodbye to Jim. He is flying to Berkeley, California for a NACURH conference with the other conference members from UW Oshkosh and staying there for a week. Anyway, I came over before work to see him and I guess I came over a little too early! I just wanted to make sure I could say a hearty goodbye but accidentally pulled him away from his shower in the process!

When I really began getting close to Jim I noticed a strange sensation come over me when we were apart. Now, whenever one of us is away, I can feel it throughout my whole body. It won't be too tough to get along without him this week, I'll just have to keep myself busy, that's all! I know he'll have a great time in CA but I miss him already. :)

Third post!

Oh what the heck, this is the third and final post of the evening. I took my bike out for the third time today and went on the Weawash Trail (I'm certain I spelled that wrong!). I biked for over an hour and went about 12 miles. Riding on the trail is so much fun and makes me feel like a little girl exploring the wilderness and river behind our house again. It was so much fun! A little chilly but still beautiful... especially seeing the sun set over Lake Buttemore. Sometime I would love to take Jim on a walk on the trail to really appreciate its beauty. Gosh, I can't wait to marry him!... I hope the year goes by quickly! :)

Musings

So I don't think I've ever written two blogs in one day before... go me! Anyway, so I made this vow to myself to always tell Jim what was wrong if anything the first time he asked. I finally realized why this task is so difficult. I feel as though each time I have this inner conflict with myself not about whether or not I can tell him what I'm thinking (I tell him absolutely everything) but about how to say it and if I'm just being... a big baby about something. I said something to him tonight that I was not especially proud of but it wasn't at all meant to be taken negatively in any way. We were playing catch again and he began throwing for speed. He reminded me of me when I was younger, although, I know he understands the value of consistancy and control where I didn't. I relied on speed more than good control and aim that I eventually blew out my arm and now it really hurts when I play. Jim hasn't picked up a ball in so long that I wanted him to throw consistantly and just get it to me. He's already picking up great speed (I am so amazed... if he keeps this up he'll be throwing like a pro!) and I just didn't want him to hurt his arm and begin relying on power and speed like I did. It has brought me such joy to play with him though... I feel so good and right at home with him... I only hope I can give him the same feelings.

In a day

My days are filled with funny little things all of a sudden. I began my new job in which there is not much to do but to keep up with the largly spanned tasks that I do little by little throughout the summer. For instance, I came in this morning and had a very tiny piece of a rhubarb pie that my supervisor made from scratch (I didn't want to insult him so I took a piece and it was actually very good). After doing a couple of things I dared to read my book. I shouldn't say that I dared to since it is perfectly alright to read here, but I still hesitate doing it... I guess it's because I've always been taught that if you have nothing else to do, you find something to do. Now, whenever my supervisor comes around, I quickly put my book down and bring a file up on the computer. I shouldn't do this because even though it's alright to read, it just makes me look all the more guilty by finding something else.

Otherwise, at lunch time I've become accustomed to getting my lunch bagged and bringing it back to my room where I endulge in a little sci-fi (usually Star Trek). It's become a nice habbit that I don't intend breaking for a while.

Lastly, I need to say that I am so proud of Jim. Lately he has been following his heart in what he loves to do... sing. He is planning on joining a barbarshop choir and sing competitively. He has so much inner strength that it overwhelms me sometimes. I still wonder how I ever became so blessed to be his fiance in the first place! :)

Beginning Small

So, I'm beginning small in my endeavors. I am not one for writing blogs/journal entries and I have thought deeply about why this is. I guess I am very selective in what I say and to whom I say it to. Anyway, lately, I have been playing a lot of catch with Jim and enjoying every moment of it! The best thing is is that Jim is playing on a community team with some of his residents. He hasn't played in a very long time and so being able to play with him and watch him as he improves in leaps and bounds has been very exciting! Playing catch also reminds me of home and I have recently discovered how home-sick I am, so it feels pretty good and it's been excellent exercise. Speaking of exercise, I bought a bike a few weeks ago but haven't had much time to ride it. :( However, now that I have my new work schedule down I should have more time to use it for exercise. It's sooo pretty too! Otherwise, I did well in school recently and I passed chemistry with a BC! Lastly, my new job is awesome! I get to see so many people when I work with them and I get my own office, which I will be decorating shortly with art pieces from middle and high school. Funny thing is... I broke the office clock nearly 15 hours on the job. My boss' reaction was 'well, you'll fit right in here'. Needless to say, I turned bright red in embarrassment! Finally, it's summer and my freckles are making their yearly visit... I missed them! :)

Resolution...

So I have realized how much my job has overtaken my life and it's time for a change. Thankfully I only need to stick it out for another four or so days (not counting interim because that will be a breeze!). Although it is way past New Year's Eve, I think it's time to make a really good resolution. Different aspects of my life have signaled that something needs to happen in order to make my life go more smoothly, be more enjoyable, and ultimately be better all around. For instance, I think I have been complicating my relationship with Jim for several reasons. He is my number one priority and I would do anything for him, but I think that the extreme frustrations in my life that seem to me have been bringing it down a lot have lead to me complaining to no end to Jim. Sadly, only now have I realized that I think my complaining should really have just lead me to take a close and mature look at my life and where I'm going and decide if I'm enjoying it or if I'm doing it to fill an expectation of being a woman and a child of my parents. I feel terrible for Jim because he's been so patient and understanding and has given me wonderful guidance and all he's gotten from me is complaints about other aspects of my life, something I never did when he first met me... he probably wonders where that girl went.

I feel as though my life has been turned upside down and anything that I had to offer is lost and I'm trying to pursue some hopeless endeavor just because it will guarantee me a job that will be very stable. I want so much to be fun, full of smiles, relaxed, and feeling like I can do anything again like I felt before I began college. I want to do well on tests again, be totally in shape like I once was, enjoy and appreciate school like I used to, and not be so bitter towards my family and my employment. Most of all, I want to feel like I'm successful at something again and like all this money for school isn't going toward nothing. Then maybe people wouldn't say they're tired of hearing me complain about life.

So, on to my resolution. When I have completed my position in Residence Life, I will exercise to get back into shape. I will concentrate on lowering my axiety levels about things and learn to develope ways to better handle situations and tough days/weeks again. I will always tell Jim what is going on the first time without him having to probe questioningly. I will concentrate on doing well in school and be focused more. I will both visit family much more and keep in contact with friends much more. I will write in my blog at least once a week for starters. Finally, I will keep up playing music and drawing since I have realized the value of those gifts in my life even if they cannot be a part of my career. These are my resolutions to be put into affect beginning next Monday.